July 26, 2008

Maying Gniyam’s Facebook profile

ScreamFree Parenting July 16, 2008

For those who have no time to listen nor read about it, this might help you get a better understanding what scream free parenting is all about. Made short and sweet. =)

 

PART 1:

Focus on yourself! On things we CAN control.

We are responsible TO our children and NOT FOR our children. The latter is just like raising a robot. For they have  mind of their own and is given the power of choice. We must serve as a positive influence to them. We must be CALM and CONNECTED.

PARENTING = universal struggle

Emotional reactivity is the biggest problem in relationships especially when it comes to our little tots. Or in my case, my “tweener”. =)

 

PART 2:

“We continue to surrender to our emotional responses.”

Meaning= blaming actions on others (“If you live by the remote, you die by the remote”)

We as parents have a choice on taking responsibility for our actions. We must exercise authority by providing lasting and continued growth, inspiring our children to motivate themselves, not to control but to influence, and not to force compliance or unreasonable demands.

 

PART 3:

Parenting is hard yet rewarding. We must be catalysts for change. We must keep growing up and there is no turning back. We must say goodbye to the past and welcome the birth of scream free parenting. Shaping or setting your parameters must also give us purpose and meaning. Learn how to deal with your emotions as well.

 

PART 4:

“Focus on yourself, calm yourself down, and grow up.”

“Begin with the end in mind” = letting go of the final results

Lead them to be a self-directed adults. (“Lead the horse to water but not how to drink the water”)

Attributes:

• knows what he wants
• makes own decisions
• integrity, consistency
• doesn’t blame anyone else
• welcomes criticism

 

PART 5:

 

Children are put here to be themselves. They need space for physical and emotional freedom. Respect must come from the parent first. Always ask if your child wants to talk about their feelings. In this way, we establish personal security. Knock and avoid the what if’s. Learn how to keep your cool.

• respect space and privacy
• calm anxiety on messy room (set general date or offer help instead)
• respect their choices especially with money
• give up need to know why
• let them struggle; let them do it on their own
• allow them to disagree with you; separate individual thought process; mutual respect
• use eye contact sparingly

 

PART 6:

 

“Resistance is futile” (Practice judo-parenting=way of gentleness)

Children are constantly testing us. Simply go with the flow. Pause. Exercise empathy and join them.

 

PART 7:

 

Children are sponges. The use of language is the currency of all relationships. Never under estimate the power of labels. What we say ABOUT our kids is more important to what you say TO them. This perfectly describes the Filipino family especially if the extended family-conflict  comes in. We categorize, compare, and contrast our children. Fight for our children to evolve and refuse to compare them with others. No one is always ever anything.

Strategies for Success:

• change your vocabulary (get rid of never, always, etc.) and use CAN BE which promotes change
• expect your kids to surprise you
• become an advocate for your child’s progress
• and leave your own parents; launch from the nest! GROW!
• know when to say when

PART 8:

 

“Kids need to know about their space” Be aware of your limits. Parents set the table by setting the tone and vice versa. It is our job to provide stability and  structure.

Two sides of Parenting by Jamie Razor:

1. Personal – fun, togetherness, nurturing touch, play
2. Business – schedules, rules, consequences, chores, etc.

Screamfree Way = calm and connected authority, it’ll be easier to function even if both parents function separately; stuctural act of balance on both sides (balance to function)

Bestfriend Parenting = no authoritative position = no stability and guidance

“Provide them their own space by setting their place”

 

PART 9:

 

Let the consequences do the screaming. The bedrock truth about life is our choices have consequences. Self-direction maturity is to accept responsibility for actions and the personal responsibility for choices. Open yourself to welcome these consequences and choices and watch them suffer. We are their life guide. Ask yourself if it fit the crime. Realize the balance of protecting them from dangers with exposing them to life’s lessons. Never use “I told you so”. The law of sowing and reaping is bigger than all of us.

 

PART 10:

 

Empty threats are really broken promises.  Words and actions have meaning and power. People are accountable to one another. Always keep promises and you can be trusted. They can trust your word no matter what. Mean what you say, say what you mean, and follow through with what you promised. Be firm and consisted.

Principles:

• don’t ever set a consequence that it tougher for you to ensure than for them to endure
• there are no shortcuts to setting and enforcing consequences
• choose only those consequences that you are willing to enforce
• only choose consequences that you are willing to endure yourself

 

PART 11:

 

The journey of constant learning and growing is to develop a path towards integrity, a way to live within principles. Practice makes permanent! We are all growth models!

Four levels of L-O-V-E:

1. I love me for my benefit (selfish)
2. I love you for my benefit (common love – needs validation)
3. I love you for your benefit ( highest level – selfless, ideal)
4. I love me for your benefit (what has to last is was has to come first)

 

PART 12:

 

Revolutionary Relationships:

• profound, effective, and lasting difference
• turn arounds
• beginning of a new
• making conscious choices
• taking responsibility for our growth as parents

“Curb our reactivity, calm our reactivity, respond according to our principles.”

 

Screamfree Parenting by Hal Edward Runkel, LMFT (Random House Audio)

www.screamfree.com